"I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn people like me!"

Before I get into the bulk of what this post is supposed to be about, I'm going to go out of my character and step out of my box and set up what I'm feeling as the intro instead....
I sit down on my computer, I'm waiting for my next client who will be here in minutes, I press play on a playlist I have on here so I can hear Journey's Don't Stop Believing (usually a song that puts me in a great mood) and as I was typing the title (which is from an old SNL regular skit...check it out if you've never seen it), my heart started to beat hard and fast, and I got the sudden spurt of panic inside of my chest. I had to pause 1/2 way through typing the title to get myself to relax a bit. It's still going on a little right now and even though it's better, I can still feel that my eyes are open wider than usual, my breaths are very short and quick, and I have a fear of moving any part of my body besides my hands that are currently typing. I really don't want my client to walk in right now, because that means I have to move, I have to stand up, and that seems so difficult to me....it brings on more fears, like something bad will happen if I move, I must stay very still in one position...I feel as if I may pass out if I stand or look around. When she walks in, I know that I will be able to hide my feelings and act totally normal though. I don't like that I have to hide it and that scares me more, but I have gotten used to hiding how I feel and what is going on inside my head and my body. My job is to make others feel better, so I can't let people know I don't feel good......she just called and is running late....i have a few more minutes which is good news. Ok, I just took a couple of deep breaths and was able to take the rice bag out of the microwave, I'm feeling better about moving around but still feel lightheaded. There was no reason for this anxiety, that I know of anyway. I am getting ready to type what I think is a positive post, about how I feel better about myself than I have in a long time...why the sudden panic....?? Sorry guys, I normally would not have put all of this information on here for everyone to read, but I don't feel honest by leaving it out. I have never written about what I was experiencing at the exact same time it was happening. I think that actually helped. Ok, so on to the real post....

During the last massage I did, my mind started to wander as it usually does. I was thinking about recent events in my life the last month and kind over the summer as a whole. This has been an excellent summer! So many good and special things have happened since May. My best friend Tessa had a baby, Ryan and Deana got married, my friend Nick got married, church camp was a success, I have gotten to start a friendship with a great person, we have been able to hang out with lots of friends all summer long, etc etc. I have really been able to sit back and examine our lives and see it for what it is and see how truly blessed we are...how much God has provided for us. But even with all of that, it was been a difficult time as well. I have been too overly stressed with jobs and responsibilities. I haven't been sleeping well at all which has started catching up to me. But, since getting back from camp (even though this is when the lack of sleep really took a toll) I have actually been able to view things in a pretty new and positive light. I have had some days where I really didn't think twice about the responsibilities I have and was just able to sit back and have fun. I've really surprised myself at how much fun I've allowed myself to have! But anyway, back to my thoughts during the massage.... I was thinking through some things, and then my mind wandered on to how there have been some instances lately when I have been able to show what I'm good at and could try to shine. I never think I am good at anything, massage is the only thing in my life that I have ever been confident in, so this realization that I might actually be a good person and can do some good in this world blew me away! It just came to me all of the sudden and I felt light all around me! I know that sounds silly, but it really was like a proclamation or something. God was telling me (which I think He has tried to tell me many other times but I wouldn't listen) that I am a good person and that a lot of people probably like me. I might even be interesting and can provide a lot of good to the world. What? Me? These thoughts are all new to me and even though I thought them confidentally right then, it will still take me a while to truly feel the truth behind them. I know I have certain people in my life right now who have helped me see these truths, and I thank them!

So, here I was getting ready to positively right about how I felt completely good about myself for like the first time ever and boom, out of nowhere, I had that panic attack....strange I know, and it has stayed with me throughout the day. I need to figure out what it was all about, or maybe not...maybe I just have to see it for what it was and go on...maybe it's not a big deal...